In my dream last night I saw Jackie, my dog of blessed memory, and she had an urgent message for Tonto Dikeh; a word or two concerning her “allegedly” failed marriage. (Allegedly, I’d say because this could still be some lovers’ tiff and the world that has already come up in arms against Tonto could be chewing their words in no distant time and hiding their faces in their armpits after the couple kiss and makeup and use the naysayers to settle their quarrel. Remember Bonang Matheba and AKA). But before Jackie and I could finish the tearful reunion and the long-time-no sees, my alarm chimed five, bouncing me back to reality and I lost the important chance to deliver the all important comminique from the other world.
A dead dog had advice to dole out? Why not? Everyone seems to be some kind of connoisseur of marital affairs these days on social media and they have made Tonto sit compulsorily at their feet of wisdom:
‘Listen my sister and friend Tonto, I know what ruined your home. It is the marijuana, it is the collection of tattoos on your neck , it is the Poko in ya name, it is in the previous roles you played in movies, it is the anger issue you have not dealt with, it is in your fair complexion, yada-yada-yada.’
One sad adviser said that she, Tonto, had given the other “bad girls” some ray of hope at getting hitched. Why dash that hope against the rockiness of a failed marriage? I shook my head at this particular stream of wisdom and its originator. So this is all your head could think of at such a time as this?
Our penchant to say something at every given instant and to offer unsolicited opinion in matters very far from our business is not new in Nigeria. I know how the demise of the marriage or relationship of our favorite celebrity can shake us like we were their children, going through the eye of the stormy period with them. I felt that way too when Bragelina announced their split; Adele had called the breakup “the end of an era”. Their fans mourned and put on sack clothes for days on social media.
But you rarely saw “Dear Angelina” letters. Everyone waited for facts to seep out from wherever they were hiding. Were there physical abuse, drug related offences, extramarital affairs? The oyibo media concerned themselves with finding out why.
But not the Nigerian public. Everyone is busy honing their letter writing skills in order not to be left out as contributors whenever Tonto chooses to publish the book, “Epistles From Concerned Citizens Over My Failed Marriage”.
But I thought there was BigBrother to binge on? There was Buhari’s health to worry about? There was ForEx to pray and fast about? One more advice to Tonto either from renowned celebrity or pedestrian fan and I will take the matter personally. Go fix your own lives and leave Poko baby alone.