By Ucheoma Onwutuebe
My APC friends have been wriggling their tiny butts in my gloomy face and sweeping the house clean with their raffia brooms. But none of their shows of victory fazes me. I would take it in good graces and as John Mccain said when he lost to Obama, “I wish Godspeed to the man (who) will be my president”. My friends clink their cans of Orijin and gulp them down amidst the shouts of ‘Sai Buhari’ and I am quick to remind them that there is this unpopular rumour that Buhari would ban Orijin drink, but they are too drunk to pay me heed.
I have only the best wishes for the new President because it is not an easy road ahead; many Nigerians have their hopes high up to the heavens and no one would blame them with the way “Change” was being chanted. I hear of flimsy hopes such as making one naira equivalent to one dollar and having the least of civil servants paid N300,000 per month. It’s alright. Governing this country is not going to be one tea party and I wonder how he will handle the expectations of the masses and the greed of the wide-eyed hawks surrounding him.
I can’t wait for what motivational speakers would make out of the General’s win. This would be another example of human resilience, another Moses who began his ministry at old age. I already envisage Nollywood rolling up their sleeves to make ‘Buhari: A Long Walk To Aso Rock.’
To my dear Uncle Joe, it has been six long years you had proper sleep. Come home and take a long nap. You looked better six years ago than you do now with those premature golden hairs adorning your head and those wrinkles that appeared after unending nights of sleep while you watched your flock by night.
People say democracy has risen from the grave after 16 years of comatose: our votes are eventually counting. I will agree with them. It looks like it is the first time we had a ruling party pit against an opposition with an equally amplified voice. Hence the moral lesson I am taking home after these exercises is: Never underestimate thy opponent. But I would forever be at loggerheads with those who say the best candidate won. Not at all, fellow countrymen. What we had were two flawed candidates and individually, we had to take sides with the one whose flaws we considered more swallow-able.
Of all things I would miss in Jonathan’s government is how easy it was to poke fun at his (and Patience’s) shortfalls; how quickly we made rib-cracking memes after each gaffe. Buhari looks like someone who would be too careful in concealing his blunders and whose gaffes would not make interesting jokes.
With all these acknowledged and said, it is time to head back to hustling and the typical “what’s-in-it-for-me” attitude of the Nigerian who most survive these times. I hereby declare a truce between I and all my Facebook friends who have stopped talking because of this election brouhaha. How can we let such a temporary matter rub off badly on our virtual friendship? Look, it has come and gone with the wind. I need you all because I do not know which of you would be declared Minister for Information, and what are friends for if not to pave a way for one another towards the national cake?
Let all my PDP friends find a space in their heart to forgive me if it seems like I am switching camps already.The Nigerian intellectual has been accused of being swayed by easy lucre; oblige me to come to his defence. These are dire moments. Man must wak. Writers have long ceased to be martyrs and monks of our ailing society, that group that shunned the niceties of life. No be only us waka come. There are bills to be paid and I have awoken the sleeping Reuben Abati in me. If Asari Dokubo has been swift enough to tweet his political neutrality while the sun has not even risen, who am I to still bear grudges and sit aloof? (Ok, he has denied that to…whatever). The individual aim of many Nigerians is a slice of the national cake and the best of it I have ever had in my entire life was my NYSC allowee which could not even afford original Brazilian hair.
So for those of you close to the good General, help me tell the President that my literary skills can come in handy in nation building. Tell him to remember me in his paradise just in case there is a vacancy for a humble Igbo girl in Aso Rock.
Sai Buhari.Vive Nigeria.